“All we can do is keep breathing…”

So much for trying to write consistently, huh?  That seems to be the trend in my life right now.  

(If you’ve not heard Ingrid Michaelson you must go download now.  She’s been keeping me company lately.)

There are so many things changing in my life right now and I can’t seem to keep up.  Camp is 6 weeks away.  40 days.  Yes, I’m counting.  I haven’t resorted to the paper chain method yet, but it’s starting to sound like a good idea.  I’m so ready to be done with this period of waiting before life *really* starts.  I know that’s a stupid way to look at it, but it’s how I feel.  I have so much to do in the next six weeks.  I wish I could fast forward through them, like the boring scene in The Sound of Music when I was a kid.  I need to try to make the most of this time, enjoy every moment.  I forget that when this six weeks are over I will probably never live at home again.  I will never be coming back to stay.  I’m so ready, but it’s going to be hard to leave for good.

I’m going to try very hard to enjoy these last 6 weeks.

 

Lists are so easy to write

…and they’re really fun. I’ve been exploring a few journal prompt web sites hoping to make myself write more. The prompt for today is “Make a list of things you enjoy doing.” So, in case you’re ever wondering, here it is.

Playing outside when it’s warm
Laying in a hammock with a good book
Conversing over Starbucks
Taking road trips to see beautiful people
Teaching just about anything
Taking pictures
Spending time with my wonderful boyfriend
Learning from people I want to be like
Singing loud in my car
Cooking…or attempting to
Playing the piano
Watching movies…especially classics
Brushing my teeth
Writing letters
Playing card games
Dancing
Getting dressed up
Painting
Being on stage
Discovering new music
Wrestling with my brother
Trying new things….most of the time
Spending time with my girl friends
Driving fast cars
Watching the sunset
Coloring
Discovering new things about the people I love

Run With Endurance

I hate Thursdays.

Honestly, I really do. I teach 13 lessons on Thursday and I end up exhausted and usually cranky. My only consolation is that it’s building my savings, which I desperately need at this point. Trying to prepare for a future that’s not all planned out is hard. Especially when there are problems not matter what happens.

I hate money.

I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not in the greatest mood today. It’s kind of been that way since I woke up this morning. I don’t know why. I got plenty of sleep. But it is a Thursday and that in itself is enough to put me on edge. Oh, I can’t wait till today is over.

I hate waiting.

I have such a lovely weekend ahead of me. I get to spend time with Katelyn tomorrow night. She and I have such a good time together. I was telling a friend about Toni and Katelyn the other day and she laughed and asked me exactly how many people have been morphed into my family. I’ve had so many little sister over the years. Maybe that’s why God never gave me a real one. I don’t have enough hands.

I hate not having enough hands.

But sometimes I feel like I’m not even really using the ones I’ve got. Yes, I love on people and yes, I listen and try to meet people’s needs. But I’m not really good at it. Not yet. There I go again, trying to do it on my own. That is one of my biggest motivations for wanting to go to school. I want to learn how to effectively challenge, grow, disciple, minister to people. Sometimes I think it’s a dumb reason to go because I know the One who does all of that best. But maybe it’s what He’ll use to teach me?

I hate that I try to do it on my own.

I’ve been awful this week at keeping up with my quite time. I go through weeks where I do really well, then there are weeks when I don’t get to it at all. This is one of those weeks. It’s stupid because I feel so much better when I spend time with Jesus. Not that that’s the reason for doing it in the first place, but you know. Why do I neglect the one thing that will bring me life in this mixed up world? Why do I continue to struggle when the answer is right in front of me?

I hate that I’m content with halfheartedness.

Anyway, that’s probably enough feeling sorry for myself for one day. It’s amazing to me how much I’ve changed and grown in the last couple of years and yet there are still so many things that I fall short on, so many things I haven’t grown out of. It will probably always be that way. Now it’s time to be faithful, throw off everything that hinders, and run with endurance.

~Han,

“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” ~Hebrews 12:1-2

Fullness of Joy

I have a little bit of time this morning and it may be just enough to spit out my thoughts from the past week. They are spilling over and I’m afraid I might lose some of them if I don’t put them down soon.

Life seems to go by in a series of organized blurs lately. There is a blur for lessons and my social life and each person I talk to has their own blur that zips past me on my way to something else. I suppose it’s not really a bad thing. I would rather be busy than sitting still. But sometimes I’d just like to be able to process things and take them in to the full extent like I could never do while in the the car racing to my next appointment. Yesterday was my first real day to myself in ages. I sat and did nothing all day long because that’s what I needed. It was refreshing and I enjoyed it. And today I am ready to take on the world again. One thing at a time.

My Dear Boyfriend is sick this week. I hate that he lives far away and I can’t fix it. It’s one thing to have him close by and not be able to take it away. At least by being there I can feel like I can help him feel better. But when he’s not by my side I have to let him tough it out by himself. It’s not easy for me to know that he’s sick. It’s kinda like when my dad gets sick – he’s the one I turn to when I need strength and wisdom, my very own super hero. He can’t be sick! I guess now I need to learn when to be strong for my strong one. I feel like I’m so far away from knowing how to be what God has called me to be.

I need to send in my enrollment confirmation to Moody this week. I’ve been putting it off a little bit. I’m not sure why. Keeping my letter is not going to give us answers any faster. But part of me doesn’t want to say yes without knowing. I’m even wishing that I hadn’t told so many people about getting accepted. What if I have to say no later? How will I explain that to all the people who expect me to go? Why do I worry so much about this? Hasn’t God been faithful in the past? Hasn’t He provided when I thought there was no way? Hasn’t He made known to me the paths of life time and time again?

I hate when I am convicted about something and I do a really good job of fixing it for a while and then I fall back into my old habits or my old way of thinking. It seems like everywhere I go and everything I do lately I am reminded that I need to be spending more time in the Word. I don’t value it like I should. I cannot walk the way I should without filling my thoughts with Truth. Is it enough for me to have that desire, to know that I need it? Is that enough for God to work with? Can He take that desire, small as it is, and show me how to live it? I know the answer, of course. But sometimes in my pride I believe that I am the exception. I am the only one who He can’t change and use. *rolls eyes* Pride and selfishness are for another post, thank you.

So much is changing. So many wonderful changes.

~*Han

“You will make known to me the path of life;
In You presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.”
~Pslam 16:11

Be Still

I was in the Twin Cities this weekend. The last time I was there I was probably 8 years old. We went to the Walker Art Museum and the Mall of America, ate at a couple of cool places and watched the Super Bowl. It was really fun. One of the evenings we were walking to a restaurant and a man stopped us on the sidewalk. I will admit I was a little afraid. Growing up in a small town has not prepared me for what it’s like to be confronted for money. He told us a story of how he just needed a little gas in his car so he could visit his sick mother. Yes, it was likely untrue. Yes, it happens everyday. But I’m going to have to get used to saying no. Under my fear, all I felt was compassion. Is that wrong? How do I allow myself to be broken of that so that it is no longer hard to deny people like this man? I don’t know if I’m going to like becoming hardened by the city. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a line I can walk without falling.

So, will I be able to survive in the city for four years? I’ll get used to it I guess. It still feels funny to say that I’m going to be living in Chicago in 7 months. I don’t know if I’m going to like it. In some ways I’m so ready for school and for the challenge of the unknown. But somehow I won’t let myself get used to the idea yet. Lately I’ve been so apprehensive of the future. I long for a clear plan laid out in front of me, step by step instructions with a specific time frame. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I can’t help wishing for it.

I spent some time working at our local crisis pregnancy center yesterday. It was exceptionally busy for a Tuesday, but in between the work I did get a chance to pray and to read my bible. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to spend any real time in the Word and it was sorely needed. I found myself in Psalms, where I often turn when things are restless in my heart. I was reminded of God’s strength, that He’s trustworthy and that His plans are bigger and so much more worthwhile than mine are. I was convicted that the reason I am so uneasy about things is because I have not been spending time with Him. I have been allowing my heart to be filled with fear rather than truth. He is calling me to simply be still and know that He is God. He is in control.

~*Han

“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
~Psalm 46:10

Trying again

I’ve spent so much time trying to make this page look the way I want it to only to come to the realization and I have no idea what to fill this section with.  I’ve been toying with the idea of stating a blog again for a couple of months now.  It’s been so long since I’ve been in the habit of writing on a regular basis that I’m sure it won’t come easily.  And yet, here I am, with the need to spill out onto the the virtual page.

I believe there is something very valuable in the discipline of writing everyday, or at least often.  Sometimes I pause and realize that I have stopped thinking.  I’ve stopped caring about what’s going on around me.  I’ve stopped processing and therefore stopped forming solutions.  My life so easily becomes centered around self that I become content thinking of nothing else.  How guilty I am of becoming my own fulfillment, of leaning on my own understanding.

So, here I am, ready to start over with a clean slate/blog.  I can think of about a million things I could start with, like why I always seem to say the wrong thing when my brother is frustrated, or the goals I have for the next year as so many things change in my life, or how I have no idea what any of the presidential candidates stand for and how much my pro-life friends would be disappointed in me.  But there is time for all of that.  I need to remember I don’t need to swallow it all at once.  For now, a new page is enough.  It’s a start.

~*Han