What?!

Tonight I had what was possibly the most outrageous experience I’ve had since living in Spokane.

Because I work in a mall, I come in contact with some very interesting characters.  I’ve gotten quite an assortment of people walking past my little stand.  This evening, Danny and I were sitting at work having a good conversation when my eyes happened upon an individual who looked like a woman, but could have just as easily been a man.  I wasn’t surprised; I had seen this individual before.  I returned to the conversation I was having.  But before this person walked past us, (s)he stopped, looked at me and declared, “Girl, you are too beautiful to be working behind that counter!  I’ve seen you here before and you should be a model!  You could be making some dough.  I’ve got a song in my head for you and it goes, ‘EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!’”  I nearly fell off my chair.  All I could say was, “Well, thank you!” as (s)he walked away.  

So, I have received my calling in life.  Who woulda thought?  Heh.  

Besides this, I’ve been learning a lot about what it means to live in relationships and how bad I am at it.  I get frustrated trying to know how to divide myself between the relationships I really want to invest in.  I still don’t have enough hands.  Not only that, but some days I just don’t want to put the effort in.  It’s easier to just sit and read my books than it is to spend time with new people.  I need to be intentional.  I need to invest in real, transparent, worthwhile relationships.  But some days I don’t want to have to try.  I don’t want to have to risk being vulnerable.  The thing I crave is also the thing I’m most afraid of.  

Some things never change, huh?

Recipe for Happiness

I have nothing to say about the election.  I missed the whole thing because I was at work and nearly cried when I got home and it had already been decided.  Not because I missed it, but because of the result.  But what there is to say has already been said a million times over, so I have nothing further to add.  Moving on.

I’m often surprised by the things that God chooses to do with me.  Two nights ago at work a lady came and ordered coffee.  I didn’t think much of it, except that I was a little irritated by the way she came across and didn’t appreciate the way she loudly interacted with the other customers.  After she sat down we began to talk.  It wasn’t anything important at first, but as I began to ask questions she revealed more and more to me about her life.  I found out she was having a very hard time and all her friends were telling her to go shopping because it would make her feel better.  All she wanted was to feel happy.  Of course, she was getting no relief from the purchases she was making.  So she looked at me and asked, “Hannah, what is your recipe for happiness?”  I hate when people ask me those questions, mostly because I never have a good answer.  I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I don’t have one.  But that’s because my goal isn’t happiness.”  She looked back at me like that was the most profound thing she had ever heard.  We continued to talk for about 45 minutes about life and what it looks like to love God even when it hurts.  I’m learning that when our goal is happiness and relief from pain we never find it.  But when I’m motivated not to make my life easier or more manageable, but to love and follow a good God, the pain doesn’t matter so much anymore.

I other news, it has been raining for the past four days.  I have such a hard time living without the sunshine.  It gets dark at four o’clock now.  I’m just glad we’re not in Seattle where it rains all the time.  

Also, I have recently become the proud owner of a pair of Express skinny jeans.  Just one of the perks of having a boyfriend who gets a mad employee discount.  :P

I’m really enjoying being a college student.

Baby, it’s cold outside

There was frost on the windshields of the cars in our parking lot when I woke up this morning.  

And I have a cold.

 

We went to church this morning.  I think I’m forever tainted and can never enjoy church to its full extent again.  I always end up being cynical toward whatever message the pastor is preaching.  There always seems to be something wrong.  

But I do miss families.  I’m tired of being around college students all time time.  I miss little kids especially.  And being part of a fellowship of close families.

 

I’m not going to be able to vote.  Don’t tell Joleigh.  I didn’t get my application for an absentee ballot soon enough.  

That is all.

I should be sleeping, not writing

Just a couple things…

It’s cold outside.  I’m not ready for winter yet but I’m afraid it’s rapidly approaching.  Everyone keeps talking about how there is usually snow by halloween and I just don’t know if I can handle that.  It’s time to bust out the mittens and scarves (though I’ve been wearing both for about a week and a half already).  You’d think I’d be used to the cold by now, but no.  

There is a man who works and Macy’s in the mall and comes to the coffee shop I work at on a fairly regular basis.  He always orders the same thing and I’ve finally got it right.  There are several people from Macy’s that come several days a week and I’ve learned most of their orders by now.  But this particular gentleman sticks out to me because, whether he knows my name or not, insists on calling me “girl” when getting my attention.  Whether he’s ordering, asking questions, or just inquiring about my day, it’s always just “girl.”  I laughed for quite a while tonight when he walked away, smiled and said simply, “goodnight, girl.” 

I’m learning a lot here.  Every single day I find something new to wrestle with.  I’ve found that slow days at work in the middle of the week are great times to spend with the Lord.  Hopefully I will be able to look back at this year and say that I intentionally enjoyed every bit of growing and stretching.  I don’t want to take the Lord’s Goodness for granted.  

Now, to bed.

Redemptive Curiosity

I {still} need some alone time with the Lord.

I’ve been learning a lot in my intro to counseling class that meets on Monday nights.  There are a lot of things that make so much sense and stories keep coming to mind of the people in my life and patterns I’ve seen in their lives.  It’s starting to all come together in my head, all of those years of observing and filling things in without even knowing what in the world I was doing.  I had good teachers then, ones that let me be part of their lives and learn along side them.  I’m so glad for the things I learned in high school about what people really look like because otherwise the charts and graphs that I’m learning in school wouldn’t mean squat.

One thing that has intrigued me in this class has been the idea of having a redemptive curiosity about other people’s stories.  Somehow, I need to find a way to step into the lives of those around me so that I can begin to understand what shapes the way they live.  What questions do I ask?  How do I look past the obvious and touch the deep things that they don’t even know are there?  What do I risk to get past the surface?  I don’t know if I will ever figure it out, but I’m willing to give it a try.  

Of course, learning to be curious about other’s stories has forced me to take a look at my own.  Old wounds are resurfacing and I’m once again facing my inadequacies.  That’s all I feel lately.  I’m not big enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough.  I have great fears and they affect how I relate to the people I love every single day.  I struggle with the fact that I’m not free of baggage.  Shouldn’t I have it figured out already?  Sometimes I just don’t know how to do life.

But, of course, God is still good.  

Of nothing else am I certain.

A quick update.

I love my job.
I bought a new MacBook. It’s wonderful.
School’s not too hard yet.  I’m doing well in all my classes.
There’s only one class that I detest.  The rest are quite enjoyable.
I’ve become so addicted to coffee.
I’m meeting lots of new people and making some great friend.
We attended the Greek Orthodox church last Sunday.  That’s a whole other post.
Danny and I celebrated one year of dating on the 16th.  He did a good job of making it special and romantic.
With all of the studying I’m doing and all the things I’m learning about the bible, my biggest struggle is spending time in the Word.  I need to recover my alone time with God.

Tall decaf caramel latte, please.

My job has barely even started and I already love it.  There is something about working with coffee that makes me enjoy work a little bit more.  Its just a certain art that goes with making a perfect latte;  I don’t know that I will ever get sick of it.  There are parts of it I know I will hate, like closing up at night and being there by myself, but I’m looking forward to getting comfortable at work and knowing what I’m doing.  Training has been going very well.  I’m catching on quickly and I think I just might be alright next week when they expect me to do it on my own.  

One of the things I’m especially enjoying about having a job is the interaction I get with the people of Spokane.  I’ve already learned a lot about the city and its starting to feel more comfortable.  Despite the fact that it is so spread out, giving it the illusion of a very large city, Spokane actually feels much more like a smaller town.  The way people interact with each other, the way they dress, the way they live is not that different from home.  People are kind to each other, something I’ve noticed especially in the way they drive.  I have to remind myself once in a while that it is a big city and I have to be more careful than at home.  Danny doesn’t let me forget very often (I’m so glad he’s here).  

Some things are different from home though.  One of them is the large number of homeless people that Spokane has.  On my first day at work the girl who was training me gave a me a sincere warning, instructing me on how to act if I was approached by a someone who is homeless.  It wasn’t any big deal.  It was just a fact of life for her, something she’d grown up with, some wisdom she could pass on to the “new girl.”  I haven’t been approached yet, but I don’t know if I could ever get used to having to ignore these people.  I think there are also a lot more drug issues, more thefts, and more Mormons.

One thing, though, has really caught my eye and made my heart ache a little bit.  There are a lot of teen or single moms.  It could just be the circle I’m in – the manager at my store just had a baby and has several friends who are single moms, but I seem to see them wherever I go.  I don’t know if this is a real trend or if it’s just all in my head, but there is definitely a pull on my heart for these girls.  There is a crisis pregnancy center in town that I’ve been planning to visit, so hopefully I’ll be able to get plugged in there.  

So, as I get settled into this new town, I am praying for opportunities to connect with people whether it’s at school or at work.  I’m looking forward to what’s in store for me in this place.  

 

Question for my readers:  What is your coffee drink of choice?

Roommates

It’s been cool to see how the Lord blessed me here in Spokane, preparing a way for me even before I knew it.  

The Moody campus here has no on-campus housing, so all the students are responsible to find their own places to live.  This was a real struggle at first.  Finding people to live with wasn’t even the worst part.  There aren’t many apartments within walking distance of campus and when you’re living without a car, that is a necessity.  But toward the middle of the summer a couple in Spokane made available to us a set of triplexes specifically for Moody girls, and only 4 blocks from school.  So, not only were my transportation needs met, but I get to be part of a wonderful community of girls while I’m here.  It feels so much like living at camp – everyone is in and out of each other’s houses and we all have a good time together.  

There are 6 girls in each house.  In my house are:

Cayla – She has been here longest out of the 6 of us and sort of had things figured out around here before the rest of us even showed up.  Right now she is enrolled at Spokane for the full 4 years, but she’s hoping to transfer to Chicago to study international missions.  I’ve already seen hear heart for people who are lost and hurting.  I think she has a deep compassion and enjoys investing in people’s lives.

Stephanie – A smart, quick, outgoing redhead who seems to have taken things in very well in her first few weeks here.  She has already been out and about and I know she is enjoying all her new experiences.  She is also tall, which I like because we share that trait.  She is going to Chicago next year and will study urban ministries.  

Sara – I have seen very little of her since I’ve been here because she is always off doing something exciting.  Sara is a senior this year, so she’s got lots of friends and knows her way around Spokane very well.  She’s one of those individuals who has a very great presence about her, a uniqueness that only certain people possess.  It’s not something that I can explain or would ever like to try to explain.  One of these days I’m going to sit down and have coffee with her because she has had some wonderful experiences that would be exciting to hear about.  

Paige – One of the girls I share a room with, Paige is quiet and steady.  I have already been amazed by the way she is dedicated to her studies.  In the places where I’ve gotten to see bits of her heart, I’ve witnessed a deep love for the Lord and a rich and pure understanding of who He is.  She and I are in a small group together for one of our classes and I’m excited to get to know her even more.  She is also going to Chicago next year to study evangelism and discipleship.

Abbey – She is the other girl in my room.  Her bed is next to mine.  Abbey grew up in Chicago as an MK and has a huge heart for the people there.  Her love for people in general is very genuine and she’s good at making those around her feel comfortable and accepted.  I have also seen a deep love for the Lord in her and she has a great desire to live a life pleasing to Him.  She is precious and has already challenged me in some ways.  I’m sure she thinks I’m crazy because of some of the conversations we’ve had about things we’re learning in class, but that hasn’t hurt things so far.  :)

I’ve also found some dear friends in a couple of the other houses, but I’ll save that for another post.

The word from Spokane

I asked my mom to start blogging more so I figured I had better start again, too.  There is so much to update, I’m going to have to do it in small pieces.

We made it here, safe and sound.  After a very long, very stressful drive over most of the country, we arrived in once piece.  It was really only stressful because we weren’t sure if the car was even going to make it all the way.  The trailer was twice the weight it should have been for Danny’s car, so praise the Lord it made it.  Driving through the mountains was probably the best part.  

It’s hard to believe we’ve been here for almost 3 weeks already.  Classes are going well and I’m not feeling too overwhelmed yet.  I defiantly have to keep myself working though.  There’s already quite a big of homework.  But even the homework has been fun to do because I feel like I’m learning so much.  I’m especially enjoying my Old Testament Survey class (which I still have to take a quiz for today).  There are a couple other classes that are going to be challenging for me, more because of content than anything else.  It’s hard to know that just because these men have studied the bible for years and are now teaching at a college level doesn’t mean they have it all figured out.  I’m learning how to disagree and still be a good student.

I started my new job today.  I am working at a fun little coffee shop in the mall a few miles from my house.  I’ve already met some great girls and had conversations about church and hard life issues.  The girl I worked with today is living with her boyfriend and she asked if Danny and I are living together.  It was cool to get to share with her that I’m glad we don’t live together, whether it would be more convenient or not.  I didn’t realize how many doors would open up just by letting people know that I go to Moody.  There is a very large unchurched population here, so a bible school really stands out.  I rode the bus home, my first time by myself.  As I watched the people around me I found my heart starting to open up to the people of Spokane.  I don’t know what it’s going to look like for me to serve here over the next year or to what extent the Lord will let me fall in love with this place, but I do know that my heart is starting to become connected to it, even in a small way.

One more thing, before I run off and do homework.  I got to share Shabbat with several of my friend last night.  I made dinner and everyone brought something to share.  It didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped, but it was only my first attempt.  The Challa especially gave me trouble.  Everyone there said they really enjoyed it, and are hoping to do it again with more people.  I’m so glad I got to share it.  It’s a cool things when people begin to see the joy and the life in celebrating the Lord’s festivals.  

Alright, that’s enough for today.  Homework calls.

“Too many turns have turned out to be wrong…”

Long talks with my dad always leave me feeling…..deficient.

 He doesn’t do it on purpose, but somehow he always says the very thing that makes me feel like I’ve just been pushed over by the big kid on the playground.  It’s just enough to make me cry and wish I could do something about it, but I can’t fix it and that makes it even worse.  There’s so much in me that I’m disgusted by, so much I wish I could change.  Lately I’ve been selfish, sure I have all the right answers and quick to act upon my assumptions.  Now I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong.  Maybe what I thought was a good idea really….isn’t.  

Mostly I just want to be able to plan the next few years of my life without opposition.  But I’m realizing that even if my plan seems like a good idea, it might not be what God has in mind.  I hate that.  I wish my wants always lined up with what He asks me to do.  Then I wouldn’t have to worry about whether moving to Washington was really what I was supposed to do, or if I should go on support for the summer, or about a million other things I’m waiting for answers on.  

There’s a song by Relient K that talks about how he struggles with forward motion because “every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again.”  I couldn’t agree more.  On the other hand, I think I also tend to think it’s worse than it actually is.  I spend too much time worrying about how bad I’ve done that I miss out on moving forward again.  Instead I need to “experience the bittersweet, taste defeat then brush my teeth.”  

This is going to be a very long process.