“Too many turns have turned out to be wrong…”

Long talks with my dad always leave me feeling…..deficient.

 He doesn’t do it on purpose, but somehow he always says the very thing that makes me feel like I’ve just been pushed over by the big kid on the playground.  It’s just enough to make me cry and wish I could do something about it, but I can’t fix it and that makes it even worse.  There’s so much in me that I’m disgusted by, so much I wish I could change.  Lately I’ve been selfish, sure I have all the right answers and quick to act upon my assumptions.  Now I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong.  Maybe what I thought was a good idea really….isn’t.  

Mostly I just want to be able to plan the next few years of my life without opposition.  But I’m realizing that even if my plan seems like a good idea, it might not be what God has in mind.  I hate that.  I wish my wants always lined up with what He asks me to do.  Then I wouldn’t have to worry about whether moving to Washington was really what I was supposed to do, or if I should go on support for the summer, or about a million other things I’m waiting for answers on.  

There’s a song by Relient K that talks about how he struggles with forward motion because “every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again.”  I couldn’t agree more.  On the other hand, I think I also tend to think it’s worse than it actually is.  I spend too much time worrying about how bad I’ve done that I miss out on moving forward again.  Instead I need to “experience the bittersweet, taste defeat then brush my teeth.”  

This is going to be a very long process.